But I am changing too, and in so many ways I feel different than the me I have been all the years before. I think less about what others think about me than I ever have, though still more than I'd like. I am more gracious toward and less ashamed of myself. I feel more confident and comfortable in what I believe, and don't believe, than I have in years. I know myself better than I ever have, my faults and gifts, and I am more aware of my needs, too. I am learning how to truly take care of myself. For the first time, I am taking care of my body and health because it is good. I am making time for reflection and writing, and I am collecting my stories in this space because I like it, even if they go unnoticed. In fact, I like that too, because writing them anyway makes me feel fearless and confident, which is nice for a change. So these days I am speaking up, online and off, regardless of whether I am judged, or even heard, but just because it feels good to get the words out there, to live like my thoughts matter too. Somehow, I am even reading more than ever before, because it's actually okay that I'm still that bookworm kid who feels safest lost in the pages. Finally, finally, I am beginning the work of settling into my own skin, of loving and accepting myself not for what I do or even who I am, but because it is necessary for living and loving well in this one life I have been given.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Thoughts on 26
I turned 26 yesterday, and in many ways I'm still the same old me: reserved with a rebellious streak, kind yet needy, self-conscious, slow to speak up, painfully empathetic, introspective and introverted to my core. There is so much about me that has been the same from the start, from the day I was born. These are the things that I will likely hang on to for the rest of my life, things that will one day make my great-granchildren say "typical Granny," but I won't really mind, because they will be right and I kind of like those things about me anyway.