Monday, December 10, 2012

On Motherhood: All the Pieces on the Floor

What is it about motherhood that breaks your heart into millions of tiny little pieces and scatters them all over the floor?

A few nights ago, I found myself with a couple of uninterrupted hours and it was glorious. I went to a coffeehouse, wrote, researched, then I went home, fed my baby, put him to sleep, ordered the next size of his diapers, and went to bed. And that's when an arrow suddenly penetrated the center of my heart.



Why is he growing up? Why can't he stay a little boy, a little baby forever? In the course of one week, he has outgrown most of his 3 month clothes, moved out of his bassinet, and now he needs the bigger diapers. How am I supposed to handle this? Motherhood is an entirely new kind of heartbreak. Every day, he will need me less and less, until he grows up and walks out the door, moving on with his life. Why must it happen this way? Every time I look at him sleeping, or watch his mouth grow into a gummy grin, I get this inexplicable feeling of my insides vaporizing and floating onto the ground. It tears me apart.  I think it's because, even as I cherish these moments, I see him growing before my very eyes, growing up and away. I want to bottle up each smile, each sound, and store it right beside my heart, no, inside my heart, forever. But there just isn't enough room! And so the pieces of this joy are just left scattered on the floor, trailing behind me everywhere I go. Do you see what I mean?

This advent season, as I celebrate the birth of Jesus, I also mourn with Mary, who too "treasured up all these things in her heart" as she watched her sweet baby boy grow up and away. Poor Mary, with all the pieces of her mother heart scattered on the floor.

5 comments :

  1. Beautiful post. I love all things mothering as that is what I primarily do, mother:) Hi there!!! I am Hanna and I found you through Casey's "on your heart" link up! Nice meeting you. I love making new friends. HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I am your newest follower:) You can find me anytime at www.bouffeebambini.blogspot.com

    xooxxo Hanna

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    1. Hi Hanna! Thanks for stopping by and for following! I checked out your blog. I just recently started running myself after having my son, so it is encouraging to read that you've had so much success. Way to go with the half marathon! I'm just working on a 5k, but baby steps, right?

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  2. Your words are wonderful, yes they do grow up. Enjoy every moment and remember Life is a gift given to you. From a grandma of six and mother of two...adults.

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement! I'll try. : )

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  3. Alissa, This is truly beautiful. I have forgotten about this blog being so enamored with Ollie's blog. Please don't stop.
    So thankful for your heart...I don't think you could know how very much these words reach into my heart. My minds eye is holding a tiny foot in my hand and wanting to memorize every crease and curve. keep sharing your gift. Love you

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